Just wanted to scribble some things out here about
what’s been up since my last post. Oh, hello ;)
So.
As you may now already from my random videos and posts on
Facebook during one of my many irrational periods (sigh) that I was diagnosed
last month with Borderline Personality Disorder. When my counselor said that to
me, my only words were “Interesting”, and my thoughts said, “No, I don’t have
multiple personalities.” Ok, obviously I had my own stigma built up, right? You
find new things out about yourself all the time and they don't always make you
feel great. Ugh.
I want to give you the official list of symptoms just for
information sake. According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, to be
diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you must have at least 5
of these:
Extreme reactions—including
panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or
perceived
A pattern of intense
and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering
from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger
(devaluation)
Distorted and unstable
self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings,
opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career
choices)
Impulsive and often
dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse,
reckless driving, and binge eating
Recurring suicidal
behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
Intense and highly
changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of
emptiness and/or boredom
Inappropriate, intense
anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related
paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from
oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
The list makes me cringe because I realize, I don’t have
like 4 or 5, no I meet all 9 of the criteria for BPD (not
an exaggeration). Upon returning home and (of course) obsessively
researching the disorder, I was finally able to put a face to my once unidentified
enemy. Having a name for my struggle is comforting, but at the same time... I
have at moments felt like I’ve now been labeled. Stamp me and toss me down the
conveyer belt. I just keep singing to myself, “Every little thing is gonna be
alright…”and I keep going. Ok, stumbling while walking… into walls. I didn’t
say it was graceful!
Anyways. I’ve been trying to organize my emotions,
thoughts, goals, and even letters to people (as my counselor suggested) into a
journal. I started out with 1, now as of tonight I have 2. One is for the
negative, the venting, the bad days, the rants. The other is my “recovering
“journal for my positive thoughts, quotes, bible verses, accomplishments, etc.
In it I have started a list of what really does make me feel better. What can I
do when I’m having an “episode”?
Here are some things I have so far:
1. Prayer!
(and it literally says “DUH” beside it, of course it works!)
2. Breathing
exercises. Two ways:
3. Slow
breathing-Rest tip of tongue of back of front teeth, breathe in 4 seconds, hold
7 seconds, and exhale.
4. Fire
breathing-(To be done in 15 second increments) Quick spurts of breath in and out which flush
the body with fresh oxygen.
5. Bath
or Shower- Completely submerged in water except face for bath, and the fine mist
setting on my shower head.
6. Write
or Journal. Great for me, that’s what I love to do.
7. Kid-like
activities like coloring.
8. Mirror
time- positive affirmations in the mirror towards yourself. (Don’t like this
one yet)
9. Reach
out and talk to someone. Don’t isolate.
10. Emotion
Regulation Worksheet-What emotion your experiencing, on what scale 1-10, what
happened to make you feel that emotion, how did you react, what did you assume
or believe, what your body felt like during this time, etc. Just to keep track.
These are things that I have tried over the years, and also
learned of recently, to build up my coping skills and regulate my emotions.
These things take time and consistency, and I’m hoping I stick it out and start
seeing some results. If you are struggling, maybe you can take away from this
so you can start to heal and comfort yourself.
Thursday I do go back for a counseling session. This time
we talk medication, and I’m sorry this may sound so weak, but I can’t wait. I
have been doing this for so long. My emotions have driven my life for TOO much
time. I cannot wait for some relief. I’m actually excited and hopeful. Not to
be doped up, don’t get me wrong, I DON’T want that. I just want to feel stable…
if that’s possible! We shall see!
Last counseling session, I was assigned the draining task
of writing letters to people (I’ll put it in a nice way) who have been
contributors to my emotional state. I have 4 done. It is much more difficult
than I anticipated that it would be as these words spill from the inside of me.
I was surprised during writing one this evening that I became very angry and
began to write very quickly, pressing hard. I wanted to scribble violently, and
even thought of writing (HUGE) curse words across the page. Jeez. Wow. I
obviously uncovered some deep tarred over bubble. I felt like it was released.
Maybe it even popped! I felt great afterwards, even a little body buzz from
adrenaline. It really does work. Not that I want vengeance, I’m not going to
send them to anyone. Lord knows no one wants to see that, but it’s for my own
healing.
Ok. I think I’ve said what I wanted to. I appreciate that
you took the time to visit my crazy writings!
Be
Blessed!
*Megan*
Blessed!
